Melissa & Louis McBurney

That doesn't mean we won't still be busy doing retreats. This winter seems to be a continuation of the steadily growing demand we've been experiencing this year. That's got us considering ways we can increase our availability. We're committed to keeping our own margins and setting the limits to avoid bringing on the burnout we try to treat in others. But we'd also like to solve the problem of having to turn so many people away session after session. So pray with us about this.

We're glad to report good health and enthusiasm about God's good work in our lives and ministry. Thanks for your part!

-Louis & Melissa McBurney

Have An Affair With Your Spouse
by Dave Carder

Having spent 25 years helping couples recover from infidelity, I have realized that most marriages are in dire need of what most affairs are all about: fun, secrecy, spontaneity, nurture and escape from reality. Through post-affair interviews I have recognized three common components that exist in every affair.

A sense of childhood magic…that spirit of enjoying the unpredictable, those special moments in your special place, the spontaneous enjoyment of little things, cuddling, the awe of being in a new location, of being uninhibited by those around you and of sharing secrets back and forth.

A re-visitation to adolescent sexuality…that lighthearted sexual teasing, the ability to create sexual tension between the two of you, the development of codes with double meanings, and the ability to "make out" (in the strangest places) without going "further."

A desire for adult mobility…that place of freedom where couples can go somewhere different by themselves (with no other couples allowed). As one airline ad reminds us, "You are now free to move about the country." When was the last time you and your spouse experienced this?

It isn't difficult to recognize a couple having an affair. They are in their own little "bubble" of space and time. They have stepped out of reality. These same "bubbles" need to occur in every marriage. Each married couple needs a way to float together outside the reality and monotony of everyday living.

For years the busyness of parenting buffers the concerns spouses have about their marriage and the connection between the two may wither. The high marital satisfaction levels of the first few years are a distant memory. Decline, distance, disappointment and sometimes divorce fills this void even though time and money are now more readily available. Recent research substantiates that the "bubbles" have occurred both more frequently and earlier in marriages that survive this critical junction where parents are alone again without child rearing as their focus.

Couples who need to reconnect can begin by identifying eight great moments in their relationship history. List the best of the best. Together, after your individual list is completed, combine them into a single list of "our great moments." Determine to repeat those experiences as "bubbles" in your everyday life over the next 12 months. These were the experiences that initially drew you together and they are the same types of experiences that will restore your vitality. Besides the fun of the experience, they provide hope and the realization that even when the children are gone you will be able to enjoy each other again. This will replenish nurture, restore attraction, provide relief and lift your mood in the midst of everyday routines.

Enjoy reconnecting in your marriage.

Dave serves on the Marble Retreat Board of Directors and is the Assistant Pastor of Counseling at First Evangelical Free Church in Fullerton, California. Dave is the author of Torn Asunder, has written for Marriage Partnership, and speaks across the country on marriage related topics. He and Ronnie have been married for 35 years